text; un: berserker; open.

[dehanded]

[ the fact that she manages to text half as well as she does is no small feat, thanks to her literal claws. you thought people with inch long acrylics made clicky noises when she texts? well ibaraki's claws are harder than... most substances found under the earth.

so, for that reason alone, she should be excused for typing with the caps lock on. ]

HELLO DA VINCI

DA VINCI

DA VINCI READ THIS !!!!!!!

DA VINCI

DA VINCI

DA VINCI

DA VINCI YOU ARE USELESS GET OUT OF THE STUPID SHOP AND READ THIS MESSAGE I AM SENDING YOU

OR I WILL SMASH YOUR BIRD DA VINCI

DA VINCI

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE CASTER

DA VINCI!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE IN YOUR SHOP WITH YOUR EXTRA FOUS

BURNING SERVANTS

AND BEING USELESS? FINE. WE DO NOT NEED YOU.

[ end message. its fine that da vinci didn't respond. ibaraki doesn't need her! she's not tired and hungry and definitely not wanting to go back to chaldea and get some good real food. and real mana and maybe also not be in trouble for... various crimes.




she's not desperate, which is why 2 minutes later, she sends this message: ]

RULER DETECTIVE, IF YOU ARE SO WISE YOU SHOULD READ THIS AND PROVE YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE USELESS CASTER DA VINCI

YOUR NAME IS HOLMES YES?

ELEMENTARY YOURSELF TO SEE THIS

HOLMES

HOLMES

[ reminder: she is not desperate, and deserves commendation for typing all this with her nasty gremlin claws. ]

Comments

2/2

[sweariff]

yeah? what is it?

[He could do that.]

[dehanded]

[ is "bigby" ruler holmes' true name? maybe. does she care? no, not really, now that someone is finally not making fun of her or telling her to shut up. ]

FINALLY, YOU PROVE YOUR WORTH, RULER. TELL DA VINCI SHE IS BEING USELESS AND RAYSHIFT SHUTEN AND I BACK TO CHALDEA.

oh no she's cute

[sweariff]

[Now Bigby's not 100% steady with mundy history, but if this is the Da Vinci he's thinking of, he's pretty sure they're a guy. Like, pretty sure.]

got it. i'll get on that right away.

she's EXTREMELY CUTE and absolutely not dangerous and deserves lots of candy for coming up with this

[dehanded]

GOOD! TELL MASTER AS WELL, THIS SINGULARITY IS VERY OLD AND WE SHALL HAVE TO FIX IT SOON.

[ and... in bigby's defense, da vinci was known in life as a man. but this is servant da vinci, who decided she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world and manifested herself as a big titty anime babe mona lisa. truly, a trans icon. ]

we'll see about THAT 😤

[sweariff]

[Clearly there's a lot he doesn't know about mundy historical figures. Or history in general. Their schools really ought to do a better job at teaching them.]

and how do you plan on doing that? not by yelling, i hope.

[Just gonna pretend he knows what a singularity is too. She's saying a lot of words that are sailing right over his head, but that's the good thing about bullshitting through text; she only needs to know what he writes back with.]

giVE HER CANDY NOW! TRICK OR TREAT SHE SAID THE SPECIAL WORDS

[dehanded]

WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO KILL WHOEVER HAS THE GRAIL THIS TIME, OBVIOUSLY. IT IS LIKELY IT IS THE EMPEROR, BUT WE SHALL SEE IF IT IS NOT UNLIKE THE CAMELOT SINGULARITY. MASTER WILL HAVE TO DECIDE WHEN SHE ARRIVES

[ ... unfortunately, ibaraki's problem solving skills usually amount to. uh. murder and setting things on fire. sometimes starting a gang. ]

[sweariff]

[Holy sweet fucking hell.]

okay. but what if she doesn't want you to kill them? better yet, what if she doesn't get here?

[This is the first time he's ever roleplayed and it's likely going to be the last.]

[dehanded]

[ ... its definitely going to be the last time with iba, thats for sure.

a slight delay on her reply. she has begun to... suspect. ]

YOU ARE NOT IN CHALDEA? WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SO? WHERE ARE YOU?

[sweariff]

[Oh jeez. There is a very long pause before his next reply.]

that's a secret.

[Actually, she called him Holmes, right? Maybe—]

and you've been so loud and rude i don't think i should tell you anyway. solve that mystery on your own.

[dehanded]

YOU ARE USELESS, AND I WILL HAVE TO KICK YOUR PITIFUL RULER BODY INTO A RIVER WHEN I FIND YOU.

[ ibaraki might be gullible easy to trick and easy to read, but shes not stupid. its just, there are usually easier solutions to problems that involve murder, which is an extremely straightforward problem solving process. when she has to, though, she can break out that old critical thinking, and right now, the proverbial pistons in her little skull are firing faster than Charles Babbage's steam powered mechasuit.

it is odd, yes, and also suspect. based on these questions, she has to wonder if holmes is not with the moon temple as she and shuten is, but a summon belonging to the emperor. which would explain his strange questions.

and, ugh, genuises really are a pain in the butt, no matter what. she'll stick to threats. thank you, type advantage! ]

[sweariff]

are you going to do that before or after you blow my eardrums out?

[Here's the thing about Bigby. No matter how calm and collected he seems, no matter how hard he tries to be the bigger person, something always slips through. He's got a petty streak that runs a mile wide. The real test of wills isn't just suppressing it, it's knowing how much is too much.

So basically? It's a good thing this is just confined to text, for now.]

[dehanded]

WHY DON'T YOU ELEMENTARY YOURSELF TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY

[sweariff]

it's not a mystery if i know how it'll end either way.

[dehanded]

THEN DO NOT BOTHER ME WITH THE QUESTIONS

YOU ARE WORSE THAN SHAKESPEARE

[sweariff]

add jesus christ to the list. i must have his patience if i've gotten this far talking to you without putting my head through a fucking wall.

[dehanded]

[ .... a very long pause. like, suspiciously long. ]


WHO?

[ there's nobody named jesus christ at chaldea. oops. ]